Ok I know this is going to sound weird, but I am looking forward to blasting the cancer cells with toxic stuff ( .. that will also attack my other innocent fast growing cells- like my hair- but they will bounce back plus the wigs that I checked out look sooo much better than my own hair).
The meeting with the radiologist was good however I was still left with the feeling that I had to choose between:
1 - Get another surgery remove remaining lymph nodes, if more + get radiation if - no rads.
2 - Do not get another surgery get the radiation.
I will get chemo in either way.
But I had never received the 'promised' phone call from the surgeon and was not able to get the dictation about the surgery despite the numerous phone calls made, voice mails left to several people at the facility. How am I supposed to make a decision without knowing wtf they did ???
I had several questions like :
- why were 6 nodes removed ? were they all sentinel ( guardian ) nodes ?
- which levels of lymph nodes were removed ?
- as a surgeon did she suggest additional surgery ?
.
.
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The whole weekend I was bouncing between web sites, trying to find some trials done for patients with my prognosis emailing friends/ acquaintencas (acquaintances of anquaintances !!) and was getting different responses such as:
- oh keep the lymph nodes the rads will fry any cancer cells anyways, it does not make any sense to remove lymph nodes for staging purposes.
- hmm.. if I were you I would get the lymph nodes removed rads is no walk in the park. avoid it at all costs.
I definitely do not want to sacrifice more lymph nodes and risk lymphedema I already have a constant burning/sore sensation in my right shoulder and back of my arm due to the removal of the 6. Rads will also fry the lymph nodes but they might have a chance to recover(thats my theory).. its not like they are being scooped out and trashed like they would be in surgery.
Saturday morning went to Farmers Market in Winter Park with my mom and Sibel who came for the weekend from UF. ( yey !! ) gave her grief !@about the medical people( she is planning to be a surgeon)Went to Track Shack and got really slick running shoes for Sibel ( geesh this is what a mom is I never paid that much for a running shoe Brooks Trance 7) Went to TooJays for lunch then did a short Marshalls and Ross excursion, was not very fruitful.. not exactly in shopping mood.
Later the same day out of the blue I basically blew a fuse and went MIA for 7 hours. I think I kind of freaked out everyone but that's the way I handle myself. I disappear, recharge and reappear it works for me. When I came back I had a clearer mind and definitely more self control. I think this replaced my long bike rides where I sometimes was by myself for 6-7 hours out there.
If I had stayed at home I might have gone postal on everyone. When I came home Fred took me to the movies .'The Brave One' first I could not focus but then got into it it was a nice movie.
Sunday was nice we went to breakfast as a family to Cracker Barrel I had my favorite breakfast. 2 poached eggs with toast, pecan pancakes.. yumm.... then we checked out some patio furniture I found one that was 'ok' for the price then when I looked closer I realized that the price was only for the cushions !! yikes... well I just have to keep on looking I really would like to have a sofa on the porch the weather is getting to be very pleasant. Chilled on the couch and watched couple of more episodes of 'Lost' I need to catch up before season starts.
It was another sleepless night, why isn't paxil working ? I think I might need something stronger to stop the dabbling of my mind trying to figure out what to do next. But I think this is because of the uncertainty of the next step.. See thats why I do not want to get any results on a Friday that I might need to make decisions about. Can not follow up with anything on the weekend.
Took 2 Tylenol PMs at 3 am after watching 2 more Lost episodes that did the trick.
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