Blog entry by Fred

Ok, race began;

We came to the hospital @ 6:50 (both very hungry, but mine was optional-will regret later). Gone through scannig & made it to pre-op around 9:00 (& I'm still hungry).

Undressing, gownning, tubing & cables how she looks more like a surgery patient.

They must have known her,"let sadate her" said our RN, then it goes down from there; on & of dosings, kisses, hugs, last minute phone calls from kids.

My bad, I asked her if she wants to go to bathrom, "no" she said first then a minute later wispered "I gotta go".

So, they've disconnected her & I left them infront of bathroom.

HOPE EVERYTHING GOES WELL!
August 31, 2007 11:43 AM

Day before Surgery 2nd entry

Well, I was able to do everything I wanted to do(except the Spanish CDs - I found cd's for every language including Taiwanese and Japanese in the library but no Spanish .. go figure - will order it online tonight ) so had a great day ! I even was able to stop by Borders and get the next Book Club book 'Sun Also Rises'.

Oh and we might have 2 new Bobbies ! If a nurse from ORMC named Angie shows up say hi from me ;o) she is really nice and I directed her to the bobbies site she might show up one weekend.

Raised a couple of questions to the oncologist.

What is the probability that I will get chemo ? -50-70% to be determined after surgery/pathology, sentinel lymph node biopsy
What is the probability that I will get radiation ? - pretty little.
Why am I not getting the port during surgery tomorrow ? - see the first question.
Why didnt I get a pet scan - cause pet scan is not that good for breast cancer is mainly used for lymphoma and lung cancer.
Should I cut my hair ? - hold off on that for now.

I will be able to get my pathology report next wednesday from Dr. Chambers when I go for my post-op checkup.

The doctor who did the injection for the Sentinel Node Biopsy also had sent her 3 kids to UF one freshmen this year just like my daughter. She is really nice.

What I noticed was when I initiate a personal conversation with the health care providers about themselves their faces light up. I really feel for them since my job is similar in IT, all they do is hear complaints all day long, people who come along their way are the ones which have problems. ( and usually in oncology .. severe problems) I know it is their job but still.

It is funny how my world has opened up so wide after my diagnosis( I would have thought otherwise), I am meeting so many great people and I think also my perception of people/life has changed which is causing a cascade of changes which mostly are good.

I am telling you, something good will come out of this crap ! Oh well off to packing the bag.. will try to get Fred to post after I get out of surgery.

Thanks for all of your prayers,good vibes !

Tomorrow I am finally toeing the start line of my event after a month of preparation and taper.

Day before surgery - 1st entry

Woke up at 4. Instead of trying to get back to sleep decided to maximize my hours of the day. I am having a slight feeling that I will be getting looottttss of naps later and will get tired of gazing at my ceiling fan in my room possibly memorizing all the dots on the ceiling, so I started the day.

Made my favorite breakfast :

3 egg whites, 1 whole egg scrambled with a little feta cheese.
Kashi original 7 grain waffles topped with strawberries.

The mandatory events for today are :

Appointment with my current Oncologist
Completing the paperwork for the operation
Getting pre-surgery labs done
Getting the injection that will make my lymphs glow before tomorrows surgery( this is needed for the scan they will be doing tomorrow morning before the sentinel lymph node biopsy)

Now there are 3 ways to spend the rest of the day before surgery that I can think of.

1 - Try to work until the last minute as possible taking time off for the appointments.
2 - Try to get lots of rest staying at home napping except mandatory events.
3 - Try to work in some 'fun stuff' that I might not be able to do for a while without tiring my body too much.

Hmm... very tough decision to make

NOT !!!! ;o)

Immediately reserved boat #105 for 6 am

Sooo the plan for the day would be something like :

Greet the day watch the sunrise sculling at Lake Fairview, Orlando Rowing club.
Go to La Fitness Winter Park to take a shower and change
Stop at a Starbucks and complete the inhuman amount of stupid paperwork that I have to complete for my Short Term Disability while enjoying my 3.41$ decaf tall soy latte.
What is so difficult to understand that I need xxx amount of time off to get new boobs and treat C ?
My suggested paperwork would be :
1 - WTH is wrong with you ?
2 - When do you want to come back to work ?
Make the doctor sign it !
Voila ! That should give the whole picture right ?

I should also make a list of the questions that I will be asking the doctor today the nurse suggested I do this in order NOT to take much time of the doctor (hmm.. there is another reason I probably am NOT going with this lady)

Then go to my massage appointment at a Spa(thanks Ilene & Chip!).. ahhhh this time I will actually get a Swedish one and enjoy it. Usually I hit the massage table when I am limping or crippled in some other way so get the deep tissue and leave incredible amounts of tears and have to do deep breathing to block the 'constructive pain' on the massage table.

Next I have a last appointment with the oncologist, I am going to get another feel for her treatment philosophy and her rapport with her patients. Plus I also want to know why she will not be asking them to put a port in tomorrows surgery, is it because I will not be needing chemo ? If that is the reason I will be thrilled of course.

Then will need to rush off to the medical plaza ( the transition area is long and I have really little amount of time between these 2 )to complete paperwork get some bloodwork done and get injected by the solution that will enable them to see my lymph nodes in the scan they will be doing before tomorrows surgery.

Will also get a haircut ( no I am not chopping it off ) to probably shoulder level to make it easy to care for during my surgery recovery. It is almost down to my waist now and I have a tiny suspicion that braiding or doing a pony tail will be a major challenge for a while. I might chicken out of this one.. dunno will depend on how I feel during the day.

Fred as you are reading this you are probably saying ' Oh you have a gap to squeeze in a sprint triathlon why don't you do that as well ?' Hehe.. I love you !

Oh well... off I go better make it to Lake Fairview before the sun comes up. I labeled this as 1st entry I might or might not get a chance to post again today still have to pack my transition bag ;o) tonight.

Plans for after surgery

I am a person who likes to be in control, so I am trying to set little goals, projects, action plans that I might implement after the surgery. Of course all are dependent on my treatment plans that will be determined after the surgery. My priority is to get well asap and I am not fooling myself otherwise.

But to wait like a sitting duck !! uh uhh that just does not do it for me.

So I think my restrictions after the mastectomy are:

- 2 weeks - No activity whatsoever ( 'huh doc, what do you EXACTLY mean by no activity, I certainly can still take long walks right ?' ) they made it clear that no movement really means no movement, not even a walk around the block. Plus I will have 4 drains. The drains will come out when the production is less than 20 ml and the more I move the more I will be producing, so there's my motivation of keeping put.

It is awesome that Fred thought about the fuel belt for the drains.

- 3rd week - I might be able to drive but no activities other than that.

- After 3 weeks -light activity is allowed. Avoid overheating the body

( there goes doing anything outdoors)

- After 6 week can start slowly with workouts.

Activity Plans:

Since running will be jarring it probably is out of the short term plans for sure.

But I have a solution !!! I might be able to keep my already measly running efficiency without braking the rules.

Aqua jogger belt!

I can run in the pool. That way I can just go in my pool and do water running, my body temperature will be controlled by the water and there will be no jarring to hurt the new boob placeholders aka expanders.

(too bad I can not throw my bike trainer along with my bike in the pool too )

I also have to get my heart rate monitor back into commission if I can keep the heart rate down and body temperature stable I do not see any reason why I can not start doing this once I get clearance from the doc to go in the pool.

I have to be creative to keep on moving.

One might say that I am overzealous and should take one step at a time, but thats just me, if I can not see or imagine what is (or might be) ahead I do not feel comfortable. And I am very flexible in making changes according to whatever is thrown my way and will never lose sight of what my main goal is.

Other Plans:

In my Pre-cancer life I never had time to sit down and enjoy some shows that I heard a lot about, so today I went ahead and rented 4 cd's for Losts 1st season. When we are done with this we could move on to Sopranos.

Tomorrow will go to the library and check out a Learn Spanish cd set, thats something that I always wanted to do but never got to it.

Plus there are a lot of awesome books that are patiently waiting for my tlc, collecting dust for a couple of years.

Hmm seems like I will be pretty busy these upcoming days.

Tomorrow is the last day before surgery so I will do stuff that I like doing and pamper myself.

Random plugin:I really am thinking that removing the tumors and surrounding areas are really an overkill .. just like cutting of the Gordian knot by Alexander.. a solution to reverse the degeneration of DNA really should be found. -- sigh!

Tuesday Workout:

50 minute easy bike ride around the neighborhood on my lunch break. Since I am told to avoid the heat for a while after the surgery I am trying to get in as much sunshine, outdoors as I can until friday.

Cool down waddling in the pool afterwards.

Started reading the book ' Why I wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy' that my PCP had prescribed, very easy read and I certainly am relating to the author.


My mother thought I was depressed because I was staying put for once chilling reading/listening to music by the pool with my Irondog Candy, ( she was my running buddy for the 3 IM's I did, this year she did not quite feel up to the long runs tho) I certainly was not depressed and was enjoying relaxing reading a good book.. something that I have not done at all for years. However no one in the family is used to seeing me sitting down and reading a book, this view will change shortly I am suspecting.

Monday: 'Tree of life' from Desperate Housewives aka crazy .. itches !

Here we are, referred to as Desperate Housewives ( by Fred.. who calls me the Susan.. I am not that clumsy but I could get as blunt as she does sometimes ! ) or we are also referred to by Mo as 'Crazy ..tches'.


Monday night we had a book club meeting, due to a fall-out I had 2 months ago I had not attended the last one so was looking forward to this one although I had NOT read the book. ( hey who said that one is obliged to read the book to enjoy a good night together with friends ???) plus I have been avoiding doing any reading focusing on physical activities since I will be grounded for at least 2 weeks and will not be able to workout intensely for at least a while. I will have lots of time to catch up with reading later.


As usual there were some intense discussions which strayed away from the book .. thats how it goes many times. It is very hard to find a book with common grounds that we can all relate to /share and we are still working on finding a path that would make everyone happy( or rather make 7 alpha gals happy - if there is such a solution ) The chocolate soufles success was one topic that everyone agreed on ! ( I went for 3rd serving) Discussions are always livelier with some Merlot.. but as of now there is none of that for me .

Then I realized that they were trying to wrap up the book and move to the 'next subject' I was like ' huh ? was there another subject of the night ? '

Then came the 'Tree of life' - at least thats what I named it ! I am not good in describing so here is the picture of it. They had each written me notes/poems, and have also added some of my favorite pictures of sculling, IMAU.. these made the leaves of the tree.

Everyones notes even the type of papers/cards used, images/designs selected, reflected their unique personality, I even got a book of 'Tao Te Ching' which was a precious gift to me from the hosts husband A.














As a matching gift they also got me a beautiful pendant with a tree design ( they said it was coincidence I see that as a sign ).






















I was overwhelmed to the point that I basically had a emotional-brain-freeze and was literally speechless at this thoughful act. During my bike rides when I pass through big trees I always visualize drawing from their wisdom/stillness, trees are special objects for me along with mountains.

Well it seems like one of the trees is definitely coming to the hospital with me on Friday.

Only 4 days to go...

Workout for Monday

Had dropped my car off to the service so did not have transportation to go to the gym, however that was not going to stop me from working out.
I thought I would bike to the gym and run on the treadmill on my lunch hour.
then.. I could not find the combination for my bike lock.
Of course I just HAD to get my running in, so went out at 12:30 PM at 95+ degrees and tried to jog.. urgghhh I never ever run in the daylight let alone in August noontime the intensity was definitely not suited for taper!
My 4 minute jog 1 minute walk slowly dropped to 2.5 min slug-jog- 2. 5 minute walk for 3 miles.
Came home and jumped in the pool, slept on the float.. ahhh that is LIFE !!

Monday night we have the infamous ! book club meeting in which the book Samarkant will be discussed I am looking forward to it !

Puzzling change of attitude - a bit philosophy

Something has been puzzling me, lately a calmness came over me ( ok, I am on Paxil but the doc said that this was such a low dose that it will hardly be affective if it will at all ) and I was thinking to myself.. 'woman, how come you are so calm, you are more scared/intimidated when you are going into a long race !'

Then I found the answer.

Initially when I heard the news my reaction was similar to being in a dark big house alone, someone chasing to kill me. I was terrified, and running blind around in circles like crazy, bumping into furniture/walls, if I had continued like that I am sure I would have given myself more damage than the 'being' that was chasing me which I think was its initial plan which I busted.

Suddenly something happened ( and I sincerely think it is with everyones incredible support and educating myself on BC) and I decided to stop running and actually go back looking for what is chasing me to face it reversing the roles of hunter/prey and sitting down across from it saying ' Ok you got my attention now what do you want , are you aware who you are messing around with ?'

So now we are looking eye to eye trying to figure out what to do with each other. I am sure there is a message that it is trying to give me cause nothing happens without a reason. I am playing on the surprise factor of not being scared of it anymore since I see it as a part of myself -gone down a different path(not wrong, just different path) --due to a choice that I made somewhere along my life.

This was the only way that it was able to slow me down get my attention to sit down,listen and think, and that I shall do.

Oh boy, this is too heavy for a Monday morning lol !

Quiet / calm weekend

Saturday opted to 'veg' in the house and took lots of naps . It felt weird not rushing out of the house pre-dawn especially on a weekend. I felt lazy,wasting the day and did not even get dressed before noon since honestly I was not sure of what to do with myself.

I thought 'people who do not go out and enjoy outdoors early-predawn really are missing a beautiful part of the day' but that is my thought I know some people are nocturnal and enjoy the nights.

Personally, my favorite way to greet the day is at Lake Fairview watching the sunrise while sculling at Orlando Rowing Club

Shameless plugin ;o)

"Rowing is the best workout that I have done in my life, challenging one cardiovascularly as much as running, works every single muscle - especially the core, but has minimal chance of injury and is low impact."

I chose to do rowing leisurely and not to compete because rowing was my cool-down, balance time almost meditative.


Following are some of the pictures from Lake Fairview of me sculling and others are some pictures I took which might give a glimpse of my view of sculling and the beauty of greeting the day on the water.

I hope I will be able to get back on the water soon.

Sunday went to the WOT with Penny who has been my cycling buddy since I started cycling about 8 years ago, we did a nice 30 mile ride from Killarney to the Horse Park. I could have gone for another 30 but knew I should not be doing anything long this weekend. I really felt awesome/strong after riding the whole day, getting active makes a huge difference in ones emotional state. Saturday I felt 'BLAH', Sunday I felt ' WHOA ! '

Friday:A taste of Aspen, lunch at my oncologists restaurant ?? Def Leppard concert

Workout: ( after 2 days off)


I basically gave a big fight with myself until I stepped out of that comfy bed to head out to the gym( do I really have to workout ? I am not even training for anything !! it is better for me to get rest !) . Once I got there I immediately felt better but pulled down the intensity even further down since it is the last week of taper before the operation. Despite a regular race taper where workouts are short but intense I am pulling the intensity down as well as the volume.

3 mile run/walk, walking every half mile.

Taste of Aspen:


Today I felt even more in control of my mind (coming pretty close to pre-diagnosis mode) and was able to focus at work a lot better than I was able to the past couple of weeks. I guess one adapts and learns to 'live/enjoy the moment' otherwise you just beat yourself up worrying over what could happen and ruin the present moment ! nothing is guaranteed in life anyways.

Yesterday my dear friend Mary Ann had given a heads up in a 'yummy' packet arriving, in her terms ' Better before 11 am !! '

I was constantly peeking out the window from my home office like a kid waiting for christmas morning.. and aha just as my canine alarm started barking her head off saw the fedex truck at 10:20 !

As usual I fought with the box to open NOT seeing the civilized 'tear here' tag and ripping it apart like a cavemen- if food is involved I get vicious ! There were 6 perfect muffins from the Paradise bakery in Aspen that Mary Ann had talked so much about ! She had sent me a taste of Aspen where she is spending her summer ! Immediately enjoyed a squash one with a fresh cup of coffee. Ahh.. I just can not resist good food they only lasted for 1 day and I ate all but 1 of them.

Lunch at my Oncologists restaurant !

While I was googling my oncologist, coming pretty close to looking up a private detective from yellow pages to learn more about how obsessed she is with her profession( the more obsessed the better IMHO ) to my surprise I learned a new aspect of her.

She and her husband who is an orthopedic surgeon at ORMC actually own a restaurant just across MD Anderson ! The Docs . We were going out for lunch with my friend Kris and she very cleverly suggested that we go there for lunch !

The place was very pleasant, the service good the chicken sandwich I had was quite delicious, so the restaurant definitely passed my test !

The restaurant’s executive chef, Neil Connolly, was the Kennedy family chef for 10 years and has been the recipient of more than 30 culinary awards.

Def Leppard/Styx/Foreigner Concert:

Well if we had not gotten the tickets last night I do not think we would have gone, when we left Orlando the rain had started, as we hit I4 the traffic was inching ( Friday 5+ pm HELLOOOO ! what were we thinking ? ) and a torrential rain started along with pretty intense ligthning. We made it in time and even had some time to elbow my way and buy a Def Leppart T-shirt under the pouring rain ! Was going to buy the 'Love Bites' tight fitting t-shirt but I am not sure of my future 'torso' shape so played it safe by getting a regular/loose fitting t-shirt.

Our seat was way to the right at the Ford Amphitheater at Tampa and I was not able to get the full effects of the bass and the projections( I like my music LOUD ! ), so tried to walk through the aisles slooowwwwllly trying to watch some of my favorite songs from there. ( did get couple of warnings from the officials to NOT stand around there) There were a lot of people who were 'kind of spaced out' and witnessed a couple of very interesting exchanges. Lesson learned never get side seats ! But the concert was pretty cool !

A Posting that I had to share

I had to share a forum posting by one of the speedy Bobbies Lisa P(well I usually saw her take off in a sprint until I say WTF is happening here !!! and mostly have only seen her cycling shorts from behind !) who had also hosted the bracelet session. Her message touched me at a deep level.

It is indeed incredible how sharing a common compassion (cycling or anthing else) draws people together and brings down the barriers between them. Friendships/ease in interacting that usually takes years/decades to florish blossom in a really short time. I am so lucky that I showed the effort to be part of this group ! ( actually I should thank Annie .. who directed me to the bobbies couple of years ago during a florida freewheeler ride ! )

I guess the offer to 'pull' by these awesome women is continuing, as I was a 'wheelsucker' this past year anyways in the A-B rides ;o) ( Hey! I had an excuse I was anemic ok ? )

Aylin's Journey Bracelets...You are not alone in the paceline!

Well Aylin...it has been said before, life is a bike ride. The diversity of the women (and men) who sometimes have just ONE thing incommon, a love of cycling, is a constant amazement to me. Then, add the fact that these diverse women are all following different bikepaths thru life at different times with smooth roads (happy times),potholes(separations, illness) and every-changing winds (kids,particularly teenagers) and it is clear the rotating pace line is the perfect metaphor for the female philosophy of life. We take the pull even when we can hardly breathe ourselves because we know the joy of giving to others is most gratifying when we are totally exhausted by our efforts. Thanks for the blog.

So, now we have our chance to pull for you as your ride takes you down the fight against breast cancer. Aylin, we will pull you as much as we are able because we know you have the physical and mental strength to do the rest and that you'll stay in line and finish the ride with us by your side. I guess that sounds tough, but that's us too. We are hard on each other and expect the best. Why not? We're capable of that

You are our inspiration and your journey has brought us together in a perfect line....please let us pull for now.

Wednesday : Bracelet making session with Bobbies !

No workouts today because I was not able to get good sleep.

Wednesday night we had a 'Craft' night with Bobbies ! Lisa P had generously offered to host a beading night and Carol got all the cute trinkets/beads for us to show our artsy sides. This was a chance to introduce my mom to the cyclepaths that she had been hearing about but had never met. Her first reaction was that ' ohhh.. everyone is sooo fit ' well .. duhh ! I said.

Me and my mom, chomping down the pizza.



Lisa P surprised me by inviting a mutual friend (Trish) who I used to scull with ! I was very happy to see Trish again after months !

Carol (the teacher) was going around and helping those of us who were 'bead- challenged' I think the one that was most challenged was me. Keri finally had to come around and close mine which turned out to be toooo big I need to get it adjusted. I am not giving names but a couple of us had to 'redesign' their bracelets from scratch multiple times ;o)









and another bracelet is closed with a team effort, check out Olga's focus !

















meanpauline ( why mean ?? ask her ) made these delicious shortbread cookies.. That was such a nice touch.









WAAAAAYYYY too many beer bottles on the table ! That might explain the 'beads'in the brownies !!!













And my masterpiece !


Check out the Spoke holders

This was such an uplifting sendoff to surgery for me ! As I said before I will need to do a lot of Pink Train Pulling to pay back all the good vibes all of my cyclepath friends sent my way !

Well beware I will not be anemic from now on ;o)

Tomorrow is an exciting day too :

http://www.livenation.com/event/getEvent/eventId/261784 !!! Cant wait !

Picture while getting Iron Infusion

Me getting the iron-infusion at MD Anderson outpatient Chemo ward.

My mom found it weird that I asked her to take this picture but my view is that since I am already in this situation and I was not given a choice might as well try to live it in an uplifting way and share my steps along the way with my friends/family.

After all, I see all who are reading this blog as my SAG support team ( for non cyclist SAG stands for the team who provides Support Assistance and Gear to race participants) who are sending a lot of good vibes- prayers my way ! ( you are right ??? ;o) )

Tuesday: Results for Abdominal MRI, ultrasound,bone scan-Iron Infusion- Furniture/school shopping

Another marathon day has started, I really am thankful for all the endurance, experience in scheduling,planning that my triathlon training has given me.

Workouts:
Woke up at 4:30( if I eat a lot I sleep less), and decided to go to the 5:45 AM spinning class which I used to teach. To my delight my favorite instructor Maria was teaching yey ! Had a great time.


Logged into work for a short time to catch up with a couple of issues still on my plate.

Received a call from the oncologists nurse ( brrr.. don't you just hate seeing the caller id of the hospital on the phone after you have done a diagnostic test) cause I figured out that if everything is cool.. they might not even bother calling you, only if something is a 'oh oh' they call you.(not 100% correct but in the majority of cases you get a nice little card saying that your yearly pap is normal, whereas if there is a problem you get a phone call right ? )

Anyways the results were GOOD ! ( see ! there was no need to panic)

Bonescan:
My skeleton is nice and strong except something I might have done to my left ankle at one point(in their terms healing trauma versus arthritis)

Pelvic Ultrasound:
all cool to go, nothing wrong !

Abdominal MRI:
aha ! this is why they had to call me. It appears that I have a small hemangioma in the liver.

Me : Oh ok.. what does that mean is that bad ?????
Nurse: that means that you do not do anything about it, nopes nothing related to your BC you just have to notify your PCP about it.

Phewww...

Later I found out that one of my friends E had it and also my mom has one too.

So far I have passed all the tests with flying colors ( well except my iron absorption level which my PCP had said was common among female endurance athletes)

Rewarded myself for passing these tests with a Tall Decaf Soy Latte from Starbucks on the way to getting my iron-infusion.

Arrived at MD Anderson outpatient chemo center with my mom. Not that I have seen any other facilities but it still looked pretty impressive,clean. The personnel were special,they must have a special character test that they are put to before being assigned to the chemo unit.

As always I walked in with my Playmate little cooler (apples,bananas, 1/2 sub, yogurt, almonds, walnuts) I do not go anywhere without it.

Setup is 4 patients per chemo room. Chemo rooms are seperated by partitions that are glass on the top so you see the heads of other people in the other room but do not hear anything. Everyone has their own little tv and a recliner.They served us lunch ( sandwich, chips, drink .. cookies)And we also were offered freshly baked cookies.. warm Cindy my nurse gave me a warm blanket
Oh boy they do know how to pamper people here.

Only 1 guest per patient is allowed, so the visitors can rotate waiting in the family room. (bummer there goes M's idea of a Chemo party !)

First they did a 15 minute IV with some iron to see whether I was reacting, when I passed that they flushed it with saline IV then gave me 2 Tylenols orally, and Benadryl IV ( I did not totally understand why they gave these, Cindy said it was to minimize/prevent side effects ?? )

I was chatting incessently, asked my mom who came with me to take a picture of me. I bet the nurse could not wait until the Benadryl kicked in so I would shut up.

We had the same birthdate (November 18) with the girl K who was in the next chair !She was going through a rough time with pain management. We talked about the support groups which I really believe in, and she promised to contact the social worker about the Mind,Body Spirit group at MD Anderson, I hope she keeps her promise she was a really nice lady I would like to see her again sometime.

They started the main Iron IV which is going to take 4 hours(rusty red colored stuff.. asked whether it was a biological material or chemical, meaning whether it was harvested from donated blood or not ) Cindy said it was chemical, just Iron. Asked whether I should be expecting anything after this such as change in the pee color (you know when you are a triathlete when you always check the color of your ..) she laughed and said no. Some people might experience some aches but that was the minority. No limitations on activities either.

Just as the Benadryl started to kick in M came, she should be thankful cause that slowed me down to a normal persons communication state. We chatted for about an hour that was nice.

After she left I tried to nap, on and off.. could not read or watch tv, all the others in the room had left already.

At the end of the 4 hours, the Benadryl had worn off and my IV finished yey ! I was able to drive felt good.

Continued the furniture shopping with my mom and settled on 2 burgundy wing chairs from Kanes which had the best price/performance ratio. Completed the shopping with a small coffee table from Bombay at the mall.

Picked up my younger daughter from the Y where I ran into one of my Breast Friends Evelyn !

Went to Wallmart to do some school shopping.

Came home and literally crashed after getting dinner set (could not even clean it up)! I think although the Benadryls drowsy effect had worn off after 4 hours it still made me extremely tired. At the last 2 hours I was actually running on fumes, just as I do at the end of the run of an IM event.

Well Tuesday was the last day (if nothing else comes up) of medical tests/diagnostics, so from now on I just wait until the 31st. I should make use of this time in a good way to prepare for surgery and getting strong physically and mentally.

Tomorrow evening the bobbies are having a bracelet Making Party for me at Lisa P's house ! This is soo cool.

Busy Monday

Workout:

Ran 3 miles on the dreadmill, the usual pace 5.5 mph with 1 minute walks every mile, the heart rate went up to 168 the last mile, but I felt ok and was even tempted to go longer.
Resting Heart rate is slightly high (64 versus 58)


Morning: Plastic Surgeon appointment with Dr.Pope

We went over post surgery information. And as much as I pushed them to tell me 'move around as soon as you can! it will speed your recovery' they would not budge. :o(

They are adamant on the following:

-2 weeks no activity whatsoever ( not even a stroll around the block) pretty much grounded (but they did not say that I would need to be grounded in my own house hehe... )
-No lifting anything for these 2 weeks, no reaching, pulling.. pushing.
-Can possibly start driving after 2 weeks.
-Very light activity ( walking ) in cool ! environment at the end of week 3 stay away from
overheating or even hot long showers.
-Can start light workouts after 6 weeks.

I in no way am going to do anything to jeopardize my recovery and will follow all suggestions to the dot. Not working out or moving around for that time will be a different experience for me but I am pretty sure I will find something else to obsess about, I always do.

Fred found a use for my Fuel Belt ! I will have 4 drains for 2 weeks and the little bottles are almost as same as the Gu flasks so I can just swap them out with the drain containers. Wohooo ! He is so practical/clever.

Dr. Pope took some 'before'pictures don't know about the boobs but my six-pack looked pretty cool ! ;o) -- and NO I am not posting the pix on my blog ..

Afternoon: Abdominal MRI and Pelvic Ultrasound - the usual, this time I listened to New Age music which was a lot better than the Classic Rock, and I had an entertaining technician who made me laugh in the MRI.

Had to go to Abdominal MRI fasting for 4 hours ( no food/water) and got pretty cranky since I am used to grazing throughout the day instead of eating big meals. As my older daughter Sibel says ' You just do NOT get between MOM and her FOOD '

This time I had 'poker face' technicians ! They did not ask for additional views etc. So will have to wait for the doctors to call me about the results.

Because I was fasting in the morning ( for the MRI) even though I ate 1/2 sub later , I still was craving for some comfort food/carbs/sugar. So went to TooJay's to have 'Killer Chocolate cake' oh yes I finished the whole thing ! I know I am bad.

Trying to get the house organized and do some shopping (furniture) before the surgery since I will not be able to go out for a while and I am just realizing that our house is lacking some relaxed, sitting areas.. never realized before since I was constantly on the move. The Gliders really felt comfy, still working on it.

Tomorrow is the iron-infusion, my mom is coming with me and will bring some reading along. They said they would be giving me Benadryl, not sure why probably so that I will kind of relax and stay there without fidgeting since it is said to be a 6+ hour procedure.

Some normal life and workouts

It was a very intense/fulfilling weekend- nice break from all the medical stuff going on - , driving our daughter up to UF to Gainsville setting her up in the dorm, my mother arriving to stay with us to help out during my operation , the beautiful 'Off to College' party that our dear friends Ng and Mh gave to our daughter and our nephew.

And the wonderful speech that Mh gave about their future and college.

Life is going on faster than ever and I am starting to feel very strong physically and mentally, which I think is awesome and weird at the same time ! I feel like I have already beaten the BC crap !

I will be entering my physical workouts/activities in this blog because they are very important part of my wellbeing as a whole. Plan is to have 1 workout per day 40-60 minutes, alternating Yoga and cardio. Adding on 1 weight session and 1 30'ish mile bike ride.

Thursday:
3 mile run on the dreadmill, very slow pace walking 1 min/mile,run 5.5
mph. Heart rate crept up a bit to 170 but recovered nicely, I am thinking that I might have actually found the reason of my high heart rate is high during workouts-we'll see if the iron-infusion that I will be getting on Tuesday will have a favorable impact.

Friday:
1 hour Body Flow at Lifestyle fitness. The first time I tried this class at this facility, I am NOT impressed and I miss college park yoga(I guess I am spoiled). It is supposed to be a combination of Yoga, Tai-chi but the most important mental aspects were missing.

Saturday:
30 mile very slow ride at aerobic pace, rode from home to the airport and back.

Sunday :
1 hour yoga from Beryl Bender Birch'- Power Yoga DVD.. ahh this is much better.

Tomorrow is the Plastic Surgeon appointment, MRI and pelvic ultrasound.

I finally made up my mind about the oncologist Dr. Rebecca Moroose seems to be it the feedback I am getting about her is that she has dedicated her life to the fight with BC and is very up to date regarding the researches done on this subject.

Dr. Danelle Chambers is awesome for surgery, I do not even need to consult another surgeon, I am very comfortable with her.

Good/Busy day ! Surgeon Appointment, Bilateral MRI results, Lunch ,Bone Scan,Weights !

Well to say the least I have been kind of 'antsy' about todays appointment with my surgeon Dr. Danelle Chambers since I was going to get the results of the bilateral breast mri. The beast will be revealed with more detail with MRI.

Went to breakfast with Fred and he did his best to calm me down/ground me. ( and I admit he does a hell of a job in calming me down despite being on Paxil I was all over the place mumbling not making much sense definitely showing signs of ADD ) As I told to the receptionist Carmen at the MD Anderson Breast Care center he is my security blankie don't know how I would have gone through this crap without him.

In the dressing room I had a 'locker number' episode. I put my stuff in a locker then saw it was #13.hmmm.. so I changed it to 9, then settled on 7 because I thought it was a prettier number. During this time another patient was staring at me wondering wth I was up to, while I was shuffling my stuff from locker to locker mumbling to myself about pretty/ugly numbers.

Dr. Chambers gave some news which I took as very good news ( well from now on you know which locker I will take ! ) . The lesion in mri is smaller than what the mammo showed and no other anomalies were detected. phewww ! ( I somehow am thinking that I actually might have something to do with it appearing smaller, I have been taking the supplements and have been doing alots of powerful creative visualizations to heal myself)

She also said that if I choose to do so I could get away with a lumpectomy but then I would need radiation and there was a 30% chance of the C returning to the other breast. ( is there such a thing as 'sympathy' C ??? ) After rethinking for a short time.. we said lets go ahead with the double Mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. I felt kind of bad for the other side cause obviously it did a good job in protecting itself from C, but it still has to suffer due to the other ones inability to do so. Oh well.. that is life I guess there is a saying in Turkish ' The wet one also burns if it is near the dry one '
I just could not imagine brooding about what was brewing in it for the rest of my life.

I was advised by the Breast care coordinator that I would need to stop taking all herbal supplements 14 days before the surgery due to possible complications with anesthesia, there goes my plan to fight this off before the surgery using herbs.

I really like MD Anderson but I have some concerns about Dr. 's treatment approaches to lifestyles and complementary medicine. I got some feedback that Dr. Moroose might be more in synch with my lifestyle/mental approach to healing but I do like MD Anderson better than FL Hospital.

Of course my priority is LIFE !! then Lifestyle but still I would like to have an oncologist who understands me as a person, my needs, and understands what makes me 'tick'. IMHO the medicines will only work if the patient is willing to accept the treatment mentally and can actively participate in the recovery process in his/her own ways. I wonder if any of the other oncologists might suit me better at MD Anderson.

The Breast Care Coordinator said that she was going to send me some brochures about a Mind-Body- Spirit group that I might be interested in. There are so many resources that will help me with my battle I am having a hard time even sifting through them.

Requested to talk to Dr. and 2 hours later her secretary Linda called asking about the nature of my request. When I explained it she said that it would be better if I could make an appointment and talk to her face to face. I have an appointment with her on the 30th of August one day before my surgery.. and yes my surgery date is set as August 31'st with Dr. Chambers and Dr. Pope. Hopefully I will be able to 'click' with her in this meeting.

After having coffee with M who met me at the hospital cafeteria I went and got injected with some radioactive stuff. ( nothing heavy duty like Petscan) and was advised to drink lots of water for the next 3 hours.

Then I went and had a wonderful lunch with a 5 wonderful bobbies, the youngest one being Lauren Emily who had the best attitude I ever saw in a 9 month old !!! I had a really great time chatting along. I might even try to tag along for another ride this weekend. ( do not know yet )

The Bone scan was another donut but I did not go through it. I had to lay on the table facing up with my feet secured together with what looked like a large broccoli rubber band ( the donut at my feet ) they slid a panel ( I think it was about 3' X 4 ') so low that it almost was brushing my nose. And it started from my head and very slowly went down scanning all my bones. No noise, just humming and I actually had a hard time staying awake since I was not supposed to move at all and I could twitch if I fell asleep. I think it took about 20 minutes. There was a picture on the ceiling that drove me nuts, since it was hung backwards I saw it upside down the whole time.

At the end I saw my skeleton on the monitor with a huggeee eliminated area near the pelvis I freaked out asking ' WHAT IS THAT LIGHT BULB ON MY BODY' .. the tech laughed.. oh that is your bladder. I did not see any other illuminated areas.

He told me to wait on the table in case the Doctor would ask for additional images after reviewing. So I waited on the table holding my breath praying that they would not ask for additional images.. cause I know by now that if they want to look at something in detail.. THAT AIN"T GOOD !!!

But to my relief .. he came back saying I was good to go, and it looked good ! WOHOOOO !! I take that as a clear bone scan.

Now since I was all pumped up, thought it would be a pity to waste all this adrenaline and went to the gym to do weights.

Hmm.. now where did all the symptoms that I was feeling yesterday, this morning go.. quite interesting that I feel terrific now ready to make use of the 2 weeks + 2 days before the surgery to get stronger mentally and physically !

As of now I am kind of off from all the medical stuff until Monday then I have a pelvic ultrasound and tuesday I will have the iron-infusion. YEY !! back to normal at least for 4 days.

Life is GOOD !

Breast MRI and Nutritionist Appointment

I am liking MD Anderson and ORMC better than Florida Hospital from a facility perspective.
The MRI was at 7:30 AM. I was promptly escorted by Frank - the MRI guy to the room which had a bigger - donut than the CT scan did. ( I recall going into one 10 years ago it was basically like going into a closed drawer they definitely have evolved)

This one had a large opening, it was shorter, the end was open and was setup like a massage table where there was a comfortable place for the head.

Gave me some earphones I chose to listen to Classic rock since I did not want to contaminate memories of my favorite tunes listening to my mp3.

The mri lady (they had to have a gal I guess) asked me to put a little sticky on the site where the tumor was. But the problem was there was a lot of scar tissue from the biopsy I had a hard time and had to guesstimate the location.

An IV was placed (I did not know about this) I had to lie facing down, placing my 2 A- boobs (which probably are shocked last time that they got this much attention was when I was nursing my 2 daughters) into 2 rectangular/square openings and they slid me in, giving me a squishy thing I named ' Mr. Panic Ball' which I was supposed to squeeze in case I freak out and need a break.

The MRI machine was breathing.. making sounds like some kind of equipment from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Then when it started scanning I did some creative visualization.. since it was really a good place to meditate and the sounds were so loud that I did not actually hear the music from the earphones.

I imagined the sounds were sounds of weapons blasting the cancer cells. 1 X 1 minute, 1 X 7 minute, 1 X 1.5 minute and 1 X 5.5 minute and I was done. Phew there goes a a lot of yucky stuff.. dead from all the blasting !

Oh great .. now I have imprints of 2 rectangles on my chest and a triangle on my face.. and I used to complain about goggle marks !

Headed to my nutritionist appointment, she exceeded my expectations. Although she tried initially to start with the food pyramid and balanced diet.. I immediately made her fast forward and here are the things I got out from her:

- Cancer cells feed off from insulin ( not sugar as I thought ) so my binges were actually pretty good feasts for these mean monsters.. stupid me !!! With every binge I had a wild swing of insulin secretion naturally creating an 'all you can eat buffet ' for them. Ha... from now on dream on c-cells no more binges.

- I need to focus on getting protein until surgery to ensure speedy recovery.

- 1000 mg of Vitamin D3 is needed daily.

- Hold off the flaxseed oil now until after the surgery.

- 1200-1400 Calcium is needed daily.

- Coenzyme Q10 is good to take.


She gave ma a couple of handouts to ease any potential GI problems with chemo if it is decided that I need it.

Got out of the hospital ( and my morale immediately started improving ) headed off to Chamberlains to get my Kombucha tea and decided to fight this thing holistically as well while I am getting ready for conventional treatment. While I was trying to figure out what to get I got into a conversation with a guy who said that he would have attacked cancer totally holistically solely without getting surgery chemo. Although I do believe that body has the power to heal itself if given the right resources/opportunity/attitude, I am not brave enough to go solely that way. I plan to use conventional reactive medicine and supplement my body proactively to keep it strong holistically, thats the action plan.

Got some Flor-Essence and Maitake Beta Glucan

Got a call from my oncologist they scheduled me for the 4-6 hour lasting iron-infusion..for next Tuesday. Joy !!! I was under the impression they were going to do it in 4 weeks. Guess I will take the chance to catch up with some reading.

I got a comment from M 'irony is iron-woman is lacking iron' which made me crack up. Add to that that I have the licence plate cover Ironhead.. well maybe that was a message that did not go through the iron head. ( that I needed iron )

Tomorrow is a big day with my Surgeon appointment in the morning, bone scan in the afternoon.

Have to get some workouts squeezed in somehow as I am starting to get antsy Tonight will do some weight training and some cardio tomorrow morning.

Appointment with FL Hospital Oncologist Dr. Rebecca Moroose

Finally was able to see FL Hospital Oncologist Dr. Rebecca Moroose. She was really pleasant and took a lot of time to go over my reports and discussed the options with me. My prognosis is looking good, tumor markers(which are an indicator for systematic tumor markers) within acceptable ranges and the hormone receptors + and the other her stuff being -.

She agreed with the action plan of Dr. from MD Anderson however wanted to add that she would have asked for a Petscan.

It seems like MD Anderson is not scheduling a surgery date until they see the breast MRI

So the action plan is :

- Get the MRI done Tuesday
- Wednesday meet with Dr. Danelle Chambers from MD Anderson and see how soon they can schedule the surgery, if they can not get it together consider the option of going with FL Hospital. Dr. Moroose said she could get me into surgery within 1 week ( but immediate reconstruction issue might delay that one too )

Later met with 3 wonderful/high spirited ladies who are in the Breast Cancer Support group in Hunters Creek. They have a support meeting 2nd Monday of each month. 2 of them had been operated by Dr. Chambers, it seems like I am in good hands. Evelyn did not talk favorably about immediate reconstruction due to the additional stress on the body. But I still am going for it if I can.

Leighsah expresses exactly how I am feeling in the Comment she made below :

"Right about now life is coming at you about a million miles an hour and at the same time standing still. "

She is so right. There is limited time to assimilate information and make an informed choice, but on the other hand I just can not wait till the treatment starts.

After each doctor appointment I feel drained and it takes me a day to recover from it. Discussing the illness seems to have a negative affect on my morale, is this denial syndrome or self preservation ? Don't know yet.

Today I feel blah ! Probably because it is Monday or maybe I was not able to work out at all.

AHA ! so thats why I was wiped out on the mountains

Ok now I can explain why I totally blew IM AU bike leg .. and the race took me 16 hours where I was hoping to have <14. Phew !

If you have not read my blog of my race ( last entry is the race report) you can check out how I felt on the bike (ears ringing .and all the good stuff ) IM Austria Race Report

Just got a call from the oncologists nurse who said that they knew why I was fatigued ( gulp.. me fatigued ? .. hmmm I felt fatigued after my mammogram psychologically. Before that I felt like the Tasmanian Devil ! ) My iron absorption levels were low and I was not able to absorb the electrolytes .. ( and some other medical info that I could not grasp ) and they wanted to schedule an iron transfusion which is a 4-6 hour procedure ( bumping the iron levels up with supplements takes a long time). They are not scheduling it immediately since it is not an emergency situation.

I am suspecting they want me to go into chemo ( if I need to do chemo) fully loaded, which I have no problem with, hit me with anything that will strengthen me !

So as expected in my current state of mind I freak out and start thinking WHY my iron levels are low. I do not eat that much red meat but am pretty diligent about my nutrition balance ( chicken/salmon twice a week, legumes/beans once a week ). But I am so anal about lab results I had a copy of my blood work results from last years checkup at home.

Rummaging through the file cabinet found it... And voila ! my iron saturation was the same low level ( just little lower than the lower normal limit) last year highlighted nicely by the nurse saying that my doctor has been informed. And my PCP had requested a Urine Analysis which did not show a problem so he had let me go saying that female endurance athletes did have a slight level of anemia which was normal. ( hmm should I be mad at him ?? for not putting me on supplements ?? Nahhh... )

Athletes and Iron Deficiency

So gals !!! Eat your steak ! Check your iron levels.

With my iron levels bumped up after my treatment I think I might be able to hang on to the A riders !!

Daily Workout and College Park Yoga

Since yesterday I rode for 30 miles ( which will be the max workout time for the time being ) today was a scheduled easy day.

Went to Wekiwa Springs walked on the Nature Trail for about 20 minutes (it was really hot to run on the trail ), then swam in the spring for 20 minutes. I felt like my 'reset' button was pressed after the swim, it was very refreshing.

Wanted to linger a bit but had to make it to the Yoga session at College Park Yoga at 10:15.

Went to College Park yoga for a wonderful 1.5 hour Power Yoga session, in which Theresa really helped me focus on my breathing and keeping it strong and deep.

And as I was leaving something interesting happened.

I was very sad that I would not be able to come to these sessions for a while after my surgery since most of the poses require a lot of upper body involvement. However Theresa approached me and said that they had worked with one of their clients who went through the same things by modifying the poses and if I was willing to give it a try they would help me too.

I found it highly interesting that Theresa approached me thinking that I might have BC ( all I told her was that I would not be coming for a couple of months due to health problems) .

This made me think that if one is willing to accept help and is open to receive it one gets it.

Or Theresa is telepathic !!

Riding with the bobbies today ! - highlight of the day

I was really looking forward to the 30 mile ride with my riding buddies, Bobbies since midweek ( Thanks Lisa B ! ) This expectation had helped me plough through all the crap. I had not ridden with them since mid June when I started my taper for IM AU and I was really craving to be a part of the pink-train again. ( Can cycling with a group be addictive ?? well it seems for my obsessive personality I certainly am addicted ! )

Usually when one expects a lot out of something, there is a high probability of being disappointed.

However todays ride was a definite exception to that rule.

The whole ride met and exceeded my expectations, I saw a lot of faces that I had not seen in a while we talked,laughed ... just rode. I feel very strong healthy when I am riding, today was no exception.

Keri ( the map guru !!! ) had mapped out a great 30 mile route which passed through a winding beautiful shady trail.

I mentally bottled all the energy, the genuine / sincere good vibes that I got from every rider ( I think we were around 20-25 riders ..not sure ) and stored it away securely to be used when in need ;o) Lisa P. gave everyone a pink leather strap so they could wear it for me. Lisa B. gave me a Bobbies pink bandanna !

I immediately put my pink strap to use, put a 'Courage' charm, 2 evil eye beads ( which my friend Seda had given me last week ) and a bike charm on it and it is not coming off until the next time I am getting on my bike with this group !

The 30 mile ride had more effect on my perception of the world than the Xanax (which I probably will use sparingly, gave me a weird out of the body feeling which I did not like) I had taken for the first time in my life 2 days ago.

It is phenomenal how morale and group energy has an impact on one physically. I did not feel any of the psychosomatic symptoms I was complaining about the whole week ! This will keep me going for a while for sure.

Appointment with Oncologist

Well I think I got overexcited about todays appointment.

Met with NP Laura and Dr. . She seems to be thorough.
The Biopsy results showed that the infiltrating lobular carcinoma was favorable regarding ER/PR and HER2Neu.. I do not yet know what these mean but the oncologist seemed content as far as my yet limited knowledge goes I think these kinds respond well to hormone related treatments. YEY !!!! And I know that my body is very cooperative to treatments.

So now I still have the following diagnostics left:

1 - MRI
2 - Bone Scan
3 - Ultrasound
4 - SCHEDULING of the actual surgery, I can not seem to get a hold of the surgery schedulers for Dr. Danelle Chambers and Dr. Pope. I am suspecting that since Dr. Chambers is on vacation they are waiting for her to go ahead and give the 'go' for bilateral mastectomy. I will be calling the schedulers on Monday to make sure that they are on top of this.

They gave me numerous brochures/books on chemo and breast cancer, I am severely overwhelmed on even where to start reading and what to read.

Although it seems like a century since all this started, my actual diagnosis ( biopsy result) was only 1 week ago today.

In the meantime I am trying to make some lifestyle changes and am taking 2 supplements to make sure that the damage is minimized.

Lifestyle change:Back down on my workouts to about 6 hours/week max.
Making sure I get at least 7 hours sleep every night.
Practicing letting go and stopping being a worry bug needlessly for things I
have no control on.

Supplements: Beta glucan and Kombucha tea.

Got an appointment from the nutritionist to who is supposed to help me revamp my nutrition I am curious how that will go next week.

Highlight of my day:

Favorable ER/PR/HER2Neu results in the pathology report.

Starting working out again

Activity :

Ran 3 miles on the treadmill averaging about 5 mph. Heart rate topped at 168 which is slightly higher than usual, but heart rate recovery was normal.

Did 30 minutes on the elliptical.

I have to keep on working out about an hour every day, it makes substantial difference on my perception on things. ( ok I admit Paxil and Xanax might have helped too ;o) )

'The Secret' and why the public blog

At the suggestion of my dear friend Nesli I had watched 'the Secret' and browsed through 'What the Bleep' which focused on 'Laws of Attraction' I always had a feeling that I had gotten everything that I had really asked for in life ( which actually makes one wonder why the hell I wanted this to happen to me, nowadays I am patiently waiting for the answer to that question and to find out what I need to learn from this experience)

'Laws of Attraction' is the main reason that I am keeping and sharing this blog with everyone I know.

One approach in battling cancer is to keep it quiet not to repeat it everywhere cause everytime it is repeated it is validated and becomes self fulfilling. Keeping such a thing quiet does not suit my character that much. Because then everyone starts walking on eggshells around you and that would be very bothersome, uncomfortable for me since opennes and honesty are 2 traits that I really value in my friends.

Well, as the readers of this blog probably know that I am quite a 'Hard head' and get everything I want if I really want it and do not ever give up until I get it one way or the other.

As one of my friends bluntly put out when she first heard about this news

'Oh you are the BEST person to get diagnosed with BC, you will have no problem going through all the treatments and handling it mentally and physically and moving in with your life, you are very strong '

So it seems like my 'hard headedness' and everyones belief in this might actually have prepared me for this event, who knows ?

Off to the gym to do some running / crawling on the dreadmill ! Today is an important day I get to meet with my Oncologist who I am having a feeling will become one of the most important person / my coach for this event.

CT scan and self initiated Doctor appointments

Drank the 2 yummy tasting ( NOT ) Barium Sulfate shakes 2 and 1 hours before my Chest/ Abdoman / Pelvic CT which was scheduled at 8 AM. I admit that it actually was tastier then some endurance drinks/ shakes I have tried.

Went to Lucerne Hospital and was given a dye by an IV. It caused interesting sensations which fortunately the nurse had warned me about.

Feeling of warmth, metallic taste in mouth, and feeling like you are peeing on the table !!

Was covered by a warm towel on a really comfy bed which I thought was a nice touch. And went in an out of a big donut 3 times which had something rotating in it which I was informed was taking cross sectional xrays of my body that would enable them to see everything in 3 D. ( PET scan is the next step I am learning but that has not been scheduled yet for me ) I was out of there in about 15 minutes, everything went smoothly.

Then we went to the Library to check out some books that I had heard about

Checked out Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book:4th Edition 2005 - I started reading it but it did not give me a good feeling. I usually like seeing the facts reading the stats but as I continued reading I felt getting more worried. Maybe I should be blissfully ignorant ? But how is one to be involved and in control of your treatment if you are not educated on the subject. This is what I need to decide on how much and in what sense should I be involved, and when should I just trust the actions... homework for me.

Went to my ob-gyn ( could not see my own Dr. Van Wert he was out, and saw the Nurse Practitioner) who examined me and said that she felt that the ovaries seemed normal but I could of course get an Ultrasound which I opted for immediately ! My right ovary had a problem of acting up 20 years ago and of course since now all little symptoms that I usually did not pay any attention to are 'Red Flag's.

Then went to my PCP which I really like ( Dr. Weinberger) for some other psychosomatic symptoms ( I think they are mental ) and he told me to relax and prescribed some medications ( I think Paxil and Xanax ) which I heard of and always scuffed to those taking them saying that the human body is capable of producing any chemical by itself if one really wants to. Ha !!! now I am supposed to take them. Will give them a try today. He said they were depression and anxiety pills I replied ' I am not depressed Dr. W I AM JUST FREAKED OUT !!! ' Guess I am still going through the Rage stage.

He said that while everyone was profiling the women getting breast cancer as having unhealthy eating habits, not exercising enough, having bc in your family, having children at a later age, not breast feeding their babies (none of them apply to me) they tend to overlook the other facts which seems to be more relevant. His view is that the women who get this disease are usually highly ambitious Type A go getters ( now I am type A but as to high ambition .. I am not so sure since I have been very relaxed at work the past 10 years, maybe too relaxed ! )

He also asked me to read the book Why I Wore Lipstick: To My Mastectomy

He has a sense of humor when I asked for side affects he goes ' Are you kidding me compared to what they are possibly going to give you the next couple of months these are like vitamins' and told me to relax everything happens for a reason.. yeah right ! I thought.

I love my doctor, he is so compassionate about his patients, keeps up to date with developments the only problem is you have to literally FIGHT his guardian angel nurses to get to him.

Highlight of my day !

I will be able to ride with my riding buddies Bobbies on Saturday, they graciously agreed to ride at a slower pace for part ( 30 miles) of their Saturday ride. This might be my last group ride before my treatments/surgery. I am looking forward to it ! I immediately got my Merlin fixed ( it had case of frozen handlebar syndrome ) and ready to go.

I think I should make a note of finding a highlight for everyday, that seems like a good idea now.



Tomorrow is an important day I get to see Dr. the oncologist from the MD Anderson Medical Center. She will have my full pathology report and the preliminary results from the CT scans. I wish I had those now so I could study them to know what to ask her.

Mental approaches

Last night I stopped by one of my old Bunco friends Sandy in our neighborhood to get some tips to deal with this whole situation. Although I am thinking that I got a grip on it I am well aware that I am only seeing the tip of the iceberg now since I can relatively resume my normal activities except the fact that I am distracted and can not focus on anything that much.

She had lung cancer 2 years ago and seems to be doing fine now her hair is grown back I see her riding her cruiser around the neighborhood.

The more survivors I talk to the more the following points are being stressed.

- Take one day at a time, do not think

' why did this happen', 'what could I have done to prevent it', ' what will happen'

This is the point that is always stressed in my regular yoga class by Theresa and Calvin at College Park Yoga so the notion is not new, just a bit hard to implement in this state of mind.
'Stay in the present' as they say.

- Deal with the information only.

- Take control of your treatment, trust your doctors but always check on the action plans and get second/third opinions ( true for chemo and radiation treatments) Mistakes happen, balls get dropped you and your family can watch your interests best.

- Do not go to appointments alone because you will be distracted and will not be able to ask questions and absorb all that has been said ( this is where Ferit comes into the picture)

- Believe that everything is going to be fine and it will just be an interruption in your life for a couple of months.

- Treatment is not a walk in the park but you just 'do it'

Appointment with Plastic Surgeon Pope

I liked Dr. Pope a lot more than I thought I would. Somehow I was expecting a snobbish doctor but he was warm and very down to earth.

We had to watch an informative video about reconstruction.
Dr. Pope seems to have agreed on my action plan having a bilateral mastectomy.
He explained the options of tram ( where they get muscle from abs or/back and patch it up ) and implants ( saline or silicone) I saw the before and after pictures of the similar operations he had conducted. The pictures were not very 'pretty' but gave me a vague idea of what to expect.

He does not do the free tram ( that is complete removal of fat from buttocks to reconstruct and requires microsurgery) which I was interested in and said that I did not have enough fat in my tummy to do the ab tram. So implants are my only option with him. Besides that I would not have gone with the trams since I do not like the idea of sacrificing my ab or back muscles.

The only surgeon in Orlando doing the free tram seems to be Dr. Armando Soto and according to Dr. Pope's nurse he does not take insurance and only takes cash which we found odd.

I also received a call from Centerf or Microsurgical Breast Reconstruction while I was at the office they are at NC and are the pioneers of this procedure.

At this point since my focus should be on getting rid of the cancer I think I will just go with Dr. Pope and Dr. Chambers no need to complicate things further.

At my request the MD Anderson scheduled the CT and Bone scan ( I do not know why I had to ask for scheduling them- guess they wanted the oncologist to see me first ). When I went to the MD Anderson Center to pick up the instructions, prescriptions and the Yummy (NOT !) Barium shake that I am supposed to have before the scan I ran into the oncologist which I have an appointment with on Friday.

Me: Oh I know you, can I kidnap you ? I really need to talk to you before Friday.
Dr. : Believe me I am totally useless now even if you kidnap me it has been such a rough day.
Me: I read a lot about you.
Dr. : I hope you read the good stuff.
Me: Of course otherwise I would not have had an appointment with you on Friday.

We parted saying ' see you Friday'

She seems to be a very down to earth petite nice lady.

Is my running into her a sign for me to decide on her versus Rebecca Moroose from FL Hospital ?

Florida Hospital Breast Care coordinator called and said that they still were not able to secure an appointment with Dr. Barr. I told her not to bother but I would still like to keep my appointment with Dr. Moroose on Monday.

The detailed biopsy report is still not out they said it will be ready by Thursday evening.

On one hand I want all these to move quickly but on the other hand that I know that after the surgery I will not be able to do everything I want for at least a while.

Tuesday August 7 - Day to see 'The Pope'

I lead my 5:45 am cycle class, told some of the regulars that I would be out of commission for probably 4 months and this might be my last class before my break. Coordinator Dianne is very understanding and is letting me instruct as much as I want and then take a break and come back when I feel up to it again to pick up a class.

Ironically 2 of the people approached me and told me that I was looking the better than I ever have .. go figure !

Talked to M's sister R last night who was diagnosed last year with ductal carcinoma. She was torn between MD Anderson andFL Hospital. She has heard excellent things about Dr. Moroose and has not heard anything good or bad about Dr. Barr.

From her tone it seems like MD Anderson is a more patient friendly setting for follow ups and chemo treatments but both centers are good.

I wonder whether I could work with Dr. Danelle Chambers and Dr. Pope ( who does not work with Florida Hospital) for surgery then work with Dr. Moroose as an oncologist. Why not ? It seems doable. Why should I need to stick with the same team ?

Will make the decision after we meet Dr. on Friday and Dr. Moroose on Monday so far MD Anderson is winning.

I want to have either the Alloderm or Diepflat from my butt - however there does not seem to be any surgeons in Orlando who do this will discuss this with Dr. Pope today.

Back to Reality - Monday

We are trying to decide which route to take. MD Anderson or Florida Hospital. Both seems equally impressive. MD Anderson seems to get the ball rolling now as I have not even heard from Florida Hospital regarding my appointment request with the surgeon.


1st team:
MD Anderson - Dr. Danelle Chambers, Dr. (oncologist)

2nd team:

Florida Hospital Cancer Center:
Dr. Louis Barr, Surgeon- Dr. Rebecca Moroose Oncologist.


Have the appointments lined up for this week:

Tuesday : Dr.Pope - Plastic surgeon in case I am given the chance for immediate reconstruction.
Thursday : 10:45 OB-Gyn checkup, my regular OB-Gyn is out of town
Friday :1 PM Oncologist from MD Anderson Dr.

Monday ( August 13th) : Appointment With Dr. Rebecca Moroose from FL Hospital.
Tuesday ( August 14th) : 7:00 MRI for both boobs.
Wednesday (August 15th): 9:45 Dr. Chambers, whe will have the preliminaty results of the mri to determine the action plan.

Talked to manager who was very understanding, I am pulling myself off slightly from new issues since I will be out for doctor appointments a lot these 2 weeks.

Learned that if I elect to get a masc, I will be out of commission for about 3 weeks, 1 week immobile due to the drains. Then after each chemo off for 1 week. Wow.. did not think it would be that bad.

I have to file for short term disability I was advised by Melody who has gone through this last year.

Recap of July 20 through August 6

Thought I would keep myself busy by creating a b-log I might or might not share this with anyone.

Timeline :

July: 20 - Return from trip from Turkey, Ironman Austria this year has been the strongest/healthiest I have felt in years ( although lack of hill training almost cost me the race)

July: 25 - Yearly mammo which I had pushed 1 month ahead cause I did not want any
clouds lingering over my Race and trip ( smart move ! )

I usually get an ultrasound along with my yearly mammo cause my breasts are extremely dense(as stated in previous reports) this year as I was waiting to be released in the Womens Radiology center waiting room after my ultrasound a different nurse came in and kindly re-invited me to take ' additional mammo images' Ooppsss ! I thought this does not sound good.

I went in to the 'over' friendly mammo expert who was ' extra' nice to me now. Said that the radiologist JUST wanted to take a look at couple of additional images of my right breast.

Huh ? Right ? I had a problem and a cyst aspiration biopsy on the left 2 years ago.

After getting into the boob-panini machine again this time at a different angle, I was ushered to the other waiting room.

Then...

They said too politely nothing was wrong but they wanted additional sonograms and put me in a room and made me wait for what seemed forever. It was 72 degrees ( I know cause I tried to mess with the thermostat) no magazines I was pacing there forever biting my nails thinking ' oh shit DID hit the fan'

Finally the sono girl came and tried to find what the doc was asking for but she was baffled and could not find it. So she goes again... and comes back 10 minutes later with the 'sono-queen' who finds it immediately and scuffs at the girl and leaves.

I am sent back to the waiting room again, this time really scared they ask me to get dressed and wait.

The 'too polite- ice queen' nurse appears and says that the Radiologist wants to talk to me. I said ok this IS it..

And I started the bargaining phase where I was saying ' if this is nothing I swear I will do this ' -- I cant say what I was going to do cause it was not nice..

Passing through a corridor which reminded me of the corridor in Jack Nicholson's 'Shining' we headed towards the windowless dark inn of the Master of Bad News --ok I know it is not nice to call him, it is his job and actually he might be saving me --- and he showed several non-sexy pictures of my boobs highlighting on the hurricane pattern that he did not like and how that did not exist there 12-13 months ago.

Me, still being in denial go 'hmm ok what could THAT be now ? .

He goes ' Well cancer.. ' and stops. So I elaborate..' Oh what ELSE could it possibly be ? '

At that point he showed considerable effort to come up with some weird stuff like 'radiation scars.. blah blah ' but it was so obvious that he was just making it up.

Last hope I asked what my BIRAD rating was. He said 4 possibly a 5.

That answered all of the questions that I had.

Although I do believe in 'The Secret' and tried to talk myself that it probably is something harmless.. could I have hit myself with the oars while rowing ? Or what about I banged it during swimming or on the bike ??? .. I kind of knew that the news was bad.

Those 2 days were bad.

July 27: Scheduled an Appointment for a Core Biopsy with Dr. Danelle Chambers out of MD Anderson Cancer Center at ORMC. Dr. chambers had operated on a collegue of mine and she was very happy with her.

July 28 : Ferit had to come back from his vacation early, called on Duty !

August 1: Core Biopsy done by Dr. Chambers she is a really nice doctor very outspoken but also has good bedside manners. Dr. Chambers thinks that the biopsy results will not come out favorable.

August 3: After what seems like an eternal day, got a phone call from Dr. Chambers that I had Infiltrating Lobular carcinoma. She thinks that it is Stage 1 or maybe early stage 2 but can't tell for sure before the operation.

Dr. Chambers said that she would get the ball rolling for oncologist and mri visits but she would be out of town next week. The MRI has to be done on the 7-10 days of ones cycle so can not be done this week.

Weekend: I liked the weekend, all the doctor offices/hospitals are closed so I actually can not do anything, so had a great time. Went to Nuge's for a delicious Manti Party, went to Blue Martini with Zeren and Peter on Friday. Did a bit of trail running on Saturday and waddled in the Wekiwa Spring since I was not supposed to swim ( biopsy site still not healed).
Then we attented a very Interesting Kundalini Yoga Healing session at The Kundalini Yoga Center at Altamonte Springs. We did not know it was goingto be that long and I overheard Ferit chanting the mantra as ' Starbucks Frappuchino,Starbucks Frappuchino ,Starbucks Frappuchino '
Went for a short 18 mile ride with Penny around her neighborhood being on my bike felt really good.

I felt spectacular at the end of the weekend ready to tackle anything that comes my way.